Poking fun on April Fools

Today on A Tired Dog is a Discontented Dog

In this end-of-the-week dialogue, Alexia and Sundance talk about behaviors seen in dogs and people. Sundance will ask a series of relevant questions and Alexia will provide answers.

Sundance: Momma, why do dogs hate exercise?

Alexia: See, dogs are reincarnated mules, who have in the past worked far too hard as beasts of burden. Once they enter the world of modern convenience, abundant food, and automated transportation, they would rather sit behind an invisible fence and watch the world go by. They don't want to run on a leash or chase squirrels or hike up mountains. They want to lie in bed all day getting plump. They loathe the idea of walking in the rain. They want to be protected from the elements, avoiding extreme temperatures and rough terrain. They would prefer to be carried everywhere. This all because they instinctually remember their previous lives as donkeys.

Sundance: I see. That explains the eternal lethargy of myself and dogs like me. Now why do we feel so agitated when we are tired? Why are we so restless and disobedient after a long day of exercise and activity?

Alexia: This is due to the neural activity spurred by the physical action chemicals produced following prolonged activity. After a good run, a dog feels anxious about what will come next, analyzing the prospects of the future, based on what it knows of the past. A dog will then be prone to aggravated behaviors such as chewing, barking, and running in circles. And this is all easily explained by the revving up that intense activity results in.

Sundance: Well, that doesn't seem to make any sense to me at all, but that must be because I am only a dog. Which brings me to my next question: Why are dogs so out-of-touch with their master's moods and whims?

Alexia: Animals are merely animals. They are like plants. Plants with hearts, lungs, and fur. And all they really need is water and sunshine by an open window. If you provide these simple things, then you will get a pet that, like a plant, cannot figure out anything its owner is thinking. Hence dogs pervasive inability to read people and situations. And dogs are always thinking about the past and future, worrying, fretting, mulling over past decisions, consequences, and the effects of their next move. This self-absorption makes them poor performers at reading others.

Sundance: Well, this April First discussion has brought forth many thought-provoking concepts heretofore unthought of by myself or many others. I'm so glad we had this enlightening talk. I'm going to sleep now.